When someone close to you dies, or you lose something that held your life together, it can feel like the floor has dropped away. You might cry without warning, sleep badly, lose your appetite, or struggle to care about things that used to matter. Those are also things people describe when they're depressed. So it makes sense to wonder which one you're dealing with.

This post can't diagnose you. I wrote it to help you make sense of what you're feeling and to know when it might help to talk to someone.

What grief usually looks like

Grief is a response to love and loss. It tends to be about the person or thing you lost. The sadness often comes in waves: a song, a smell, or an empty chair can bring it rushing back, and then it eases for a while. In between the waves, many people can still feel moments of warmth, laugh at a memory, or enjoy time with friends.

Grief can last a long time, and it doesn't follow a neat set of stages. Anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays can stir it up years later. None of that means something is wrong with you.

What depression usually looks like

The National Institute of Mental Health describes depression as a low mood or loss of interest that lasts most of the day, nearly every day, for at least two weeks. It can include feeling hopeless or worthless, trouble concentrating, changes in sleep and appetite, low energy, and thoughts of death or suicide.

The difference people often notice is that depression tends to spread out. Instead of coming in waves tied to the loss, it can feel like a flat, heavy gray over everything, including how you see yourself. People with depression sometimes describe feeling that they are a burden or that nothing will ever get better.

When grief gets stuck

For some people, grief stays intense for a long time and makes daily life very hard. The American Psychiatric Association recognizes this as prolonged grief disorder. For adults, it's considered only when the death was at least a year ago and the person has felt intense longing for, or preoccupation with, the person who died nearly every day for at least the last month, along with other signs like feeling that part of themselves died too, deep loneliness, or feeling that life has no meaning.

I share this not so you can check boxes, but so you know that if your grief feels stuck, there's a name for it and there is help for it. And you don't need to wait a year, or meet any definition, to talk to someone.

Questions worth asking yourself

Here are some questions I'd ask if we were sitting together:

  • Does the heaviness come and go, or does it sit on everything most of the day?
  • Can you still feel moments of connection or comfort, even small ones?
  • Are you able to do the basics, like eating, sleeping, and getting to work or class?
  • Do you feel bad about who you are, not just sad about what happened?
  • Are you thinking about death or about not wanting to be here?

When to reach out

It's a good time to talk to someone if the heaviness has lasted most days for two weeks or more, if it's getting in the way of work, school, or relationships, or if the people around you are worried. It's also a good time if you feel alone with it. A doctor can be a helpful first stop too, since some medical conditions and medications can affect mood.

In grief counseling, we go at your pace. We might talk about the person you lost, what the days look like now, and what helps or doesn't. If what you're feeling looks more like depression, we can work on that too through depression counseling. I see teens, college students, and adults, in person in Siloam Springs, AR, or online from anywhere in Arkansas.

If you're thinking about suicide

If you're having thoughts of ending your life, please don't wait for an appointment. You can call or text 988 any time to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. If you're in immediate danger, call 911.