It starts with something small. The dishes, a text that didn't get answered, who's driving to your parents' house this year. Within a few minutes you're both saying the same things you said last month, and the month before that. It ends the same way too: someone walks off, or you both go quiet and carry it around for a day or two.

Many couples I talk with feel embarrassed about this. They figure that if they were doing it right, they would have solved it by now. I don't think that's true, and neither does the research.

Most couples have problems that don't go away

The Gottman Institute, which has studied couples for decades, describes two kinds of conflict. Solvable problems are about a specific situation, and you can find an answer you both can live with. Perpetual problems come from long-standing differences in personality or in what each of you needs. According to their research, 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual.

That sounds discouraging at first, but I find it a relief. You don't have to make every disagreement disappear. You need to be able to talk about the same difference without hurting each other every time.

What's under the fight

The same fight usually isn't really about the dishes. Underneath it there's often something like:

  • "I don't feel like we're a team."
  • "I'm worried I don't matter to you."
  • "I need some space and I don't know how to ask for it."
  • "I grew up in a house where this meant something scary."

When those feelings stay hidden, each of you reacts to the surface of what the other one says, and the argument runs on the same tracks. When they can be said out loud, and heard, the conversation can change.

Patterns that make it worse

The Gottman Institute names four patterns that tend to make conflict more damaging: criticism (attacking who your partner is instead of what happened), contempt (eye-rolling, mocking, acting superior), defensiveness, and stonewalling (shutting down and going silent). Most of us slip into some of these when we feel hurt. Noticing them is a good place to start. It doesn't mean your relationship is doomed.

Their research also points to how a conversation starts. A harsh opening tends to lead to a harsh ending. A softer start, where you describe what you feel and what you need without blaming, gives the other person a better chance to listen.

A few things to try this week

  • Pick a calm time, not the middle of the fight, to talk about the pattern itself.
  • Start with "I feel..." and "I need...", not "You always..."
  • If one of you is getting flooded, agree to take a break of at least 20 minutes and come back to it.
  • Try to say back what you heard before you answer.

These don't fix everything. They can slow things down enough that you can hear each other.

How couples counseling helps

In couples counseling, I meet with both of you. I ask how each of you sees what's happening and what you'd like to be different. Then we slow down the conversations that keep going wrong, find what each of you needs underneath, and practice new ways of talking in the session. I draw on Emotionally Focused Therapy and the Gottman Method. I don't take sides, and I won't tell you whether to stay together. That decision is yours.

You can meet in person at my office in Siloam Springs, AR, or online by video from anywhere in Arkansas. Sessions are $89 for 50 minutes.